Yun felt a great need to have a few friends over for a good American BBQ. So she did. Cece was one of the guests. Yun cooked Korean BBQ, and Japanese Teriyaki BBQ, and good American BBQ… all for the first time! She made a good meal for her guests and she felt great satisfaction. Cece agrees that the meal was delicious and she had never know Yun to BBQ !
However, in Yun’s inquisitive mind, she is trying to figure out why she wants to go though the trouble of hosting a party given that her life at this moment is not exactly a leisurely stroll in the park. Rather, more often than not, she feels like she is being caught up in an unplanned storm on a hot summer day…….refreshing yet heart drenched with the fear of not knowing which way is up.
The long three months hiatus of the who’s blog was mentioned among friends in a lighthearted way, and Yun made a mental note that she will start to write again, but she was not sure she can keep the promise. When all hell has broken lose, she feels little control of her life,……let alone the fulfillment of promises.
After the guests have left, Yun’s drifting-in-the-storm of feelings has not subsided a bit! Maybe it is even worse because the well intended effort is over. “Now what?” Yun asked herself that night feeling more confused and lost.
So, she sat in the dark kitchen. It was late in the night, rather it was early in the morning. The world was sleepy. She sat there for a long long time. Slowly, the heavy confused clouds started to part,…she saw the path …a clear blue sky with writing: Find yourself. She did, and the world showers her with ease and peace again. As she drifted into sleep, David Wagoner’s poem came to her:
Stand still. The trees ahead and bushes beside you
Are not lost. Wherever you are is called Here,
And you must treat it as a powerful stranger,
Must ask permission to know it and be known.
The forest breathes. Listen. It answers,
I have made this place around you,
If you leave it you may come back again, saying Here.
No two trees are the same to Raven.
No two branches are the same to Wren.
If what a tree or a bush does is lost on you,
You are surely lost. Stand still. The forest knows
Where you are. You must let it find you.
That night, Yun was lost and found again by letting her body and mind be what they love the most: being still and wondrous. Her ill fated attempt at having a party to find her bearings and belonging is nothing more than a dark doorway that leads to a dark water way. However, when Yun steps into that darkness, she finds that she has been lost in the summer storm. Only she can find her way out…it is discovered through silence not a rowdy party!
When the sun rises, Yun senses the death of an old persona, and she honors the private dark struggle and the most fearful confession that leads to ultimate freedom.
“Bye for Now” from The Two Whos