The Two Whos

Since the events of 9/11,  the rise of Islamophobia has been steady.  For a long time I thought that perhaps American sentiments were moving away from judging all Muslims to be terrorists and killers.  I thought that with time, and as we learned more about the Islamic world, not by choice, but by necessity, we would learn that Islam was not a religion of hate, and that the actions of a few individuals did not define the entire group.  Indeed, I was wrong.

Ignorance, hate, and fear of Islam has only been growing, and since the news about the building of an Islamic center two blocks from the site of 9/11 broke out,  it has become painfully obvious that I was naïve about the feelings of the general populace.  As I listen to the news or hear comments that stereotype me as a terrorist, that I am  ignorant and a threat to the values that stand at the core of this great nation,  I feel frightened that no matter what I say or do, this trend of hating the unknown will continue to grow. I’m not always ready to fight the battles with strangers on the street, or editorials in the  Albuquerque Journal that describe me as godless and without morals, but I am willing to speak out, and more often than not I find myself in discussions defending my right to exist and believe what I believe.

A great man, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., once said that, “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” So I choose light and love to fight Islamophobia.  I choose to show the world that not all Muslims are angry, that we want peace, justice and freedom just as much as any other person.  I choose to show the world that my “otherness”  is in fact sameness, that we are all just one and the same, human and fragile.

My fight comes through education. Derek Bok said that “If you think education is expensive, try ignorance” and he was right.  As an instructor within the walls of  a higher education institution,  I am more than privy to the feelings and knowledge of young minds.  These young minds, influenced by FOX news, their peers and families, bring with them the kind of ignorance and close-mindedness that while at times discouraging, is also unbelievably inspiring.  One of my freshman students said last week that ignorance about the Muslims around the world was only a reflection of our own ethnocentrism and that we had to combat it through education. I am more than confident now, despite the hostile environment towards people like myself, that education is the only answer.

If we can change the  mind of one person, we have changed the whole world.  The fights for the hearts and minds of the  general populace are not an easy one, but if we don’t try,  then we cannot call ourselves human, for to be human is to fight our nature, our nurture, and all those things that keep us within the bonds of hate, fear and ignorance.

“Bye for Now” from The Two Whos

As you will  know if you have been reading this blog , the Two Whos are very different people.They often have different perspectives on various issues.  They actually enjoy this because it makes their  back and forth writing that much better.  This week,  one Who wanted to write a week long series  about hatred.  The other Who was not so sure. Often The Whos are more lighthearted…but one Who feels that at this time, they cannot be lighthearted.  The Whos agree that they do not want to present the perspective to “hate the one who hates”.  They are looking at ways in which  hatred  can be healed and how it can be worked through their  minds.    The Whos are negotiating the content of this week’s posts. They will publish a post each day Monday through Friday, this week.   Bear with them  as they  work to practice  their negotiating and communication skills and  problem solve with each other and their guest bloggers.

The climate in the  world right now is very upsetting. It seems that everyone is hating “the other” one.

Who is the other?  It is a person who is different from you.  They may have black , yellow, red, white, or  brown skin…or shades there of.  They might not be white enough, brown enough or black enough.  They may have eyes that are not like yours…or political views that do not match your own.  Their religious beliefs might not match your own.  They are “other” than you are.

Children up to a certain age, do not seem to realize that people are different from t hem or may have differing skin colors or beliefs.  They just see other kids who they can play with and have fun with.  Oh!  If we could maintain that innocence!  When Cece was 7 years old, she realized in 2nd grade, washing her hands with her best friend Loretta, that their skin color was not the same.  She asked the teacher about it.  The teacher called Cece’s mom…and her mom told her one of the most important  life lessons in her life.  Her mom said “We all bleed the same color blood.”  This  lesson has always been remembered.

“We all bleed the same color blood.”   What does this mean?  It means that when the blood pours out, it will all be the the same color…we will all feel the same pain from the wound.  We are the same in our humanness.

Every day we can make choices.  We are not bound by the one choice we made in the past. We are not bound by the choices our families taught us.  We can chose to make peace…rather than make war and  provoke and inflame…we can chose another way that will not promote gossip or inflame angers…or riots or blood letting.   We can chose to not name call and belittle.  We can chose not to label people as good or bad. We can chose our words carefully and in a measured way so that we do not alienate, separate, and stereotype.   We can face our fears head on and risk getting to know…taking the time to begin to dialogue and understand.

Facing our fears is the most difficult task we can undertake. It is a radical approach that will transform and change us.  If we are willing to face the fears in our own lives, change will occur.

Cece happened upon a peace retreat in Santa Barbara in 2002.   The retreat leader was Arun Gandhi the grandson of Mahatma Gandhi. She came to a door,  she saw a sign on it,opened the door, took a risk… and she was invited in.  Arun told them  that he was a very angry person as a youth, growing up under the stringent apartheid laws in South Africa. He developed  a need for revenge and violence due to how he was treated by others. He was not dark enough  at some times and not  light enough at other times  …and he continually got beaten up by various mobs. He was sent to stay with his grandfather in the hope that he would learn to cultivate and  practice peace. Cece learned that his grandfather had required him to write a violence genealogy every day he was with him and to tack it to a tree. On this paper, he took a self-inventory. He looked at all the things he did each day that were considered passive violence…the hate, name calling, prejudices and fears he held, teasing, sarcasm,put downs,disrespect, over consumption of goods, de-valueing a person, dictating and commanding people, supporting groups that do bad things…on and on it went…these were the fuel supply for actual physical violence  to himself or others.They were the tiny matches that provided the little flames, that then grew and torched the violences.   He had to look at what he  did passively that fueled actual physical violence or aggression.   He then had to discuss this with his grandfather.  He had to work toward forgiveness.

Left unchecked, the cycle of violence is such that justice equals revenge….and  unless you get someone to pay, you will never get closure.  The challenge to each of us, is to look at  our own selves with our own fears and issues and work on it every day. Write it with the intent of finding a solution to our violence and need for revenge. Cece has been doing this imperfectly, since that day.  It is difficult to look at our own behavior in an honest way each day…and to ask the question, ” In what ways do  I  light the tiny matches that will ignite into a blaze…. that will  inflame aggression and violence in others? What is the fuel source that I use to inflame?   Do I gossip,use sarcasm,  name call , put down, command, belittle?’  Flesh it out for yourself and take a risk to look and self-examine.  Then tell someone about it. See if you can get a more clear awareness of how your fears fuel hatred and the  need for violence and revenge on others.

“Bye for Now” from The Two Whos

In 1988,  a song came over the air waves by Bobby McFerrin  called “Don’t Worry. Be Happy.” The song was a simple solution to complex problems, but was a good song to remember when things got hard and you needed to lighten up a bit!    It was the first a cappella song to make it big! Part of the lyrics are “in every life we have some trouble….” and The Whos thought of this  song as they wrote this post.

It has been raining cats and dogs lately.  So, you hear lots of cheers as well as lots of  curses.  People have their own reasons and their own likes and dislikes, so we are happy and not happy accordingly.

A friend of Yun’s loves swimming.  She would swim everyday if she could.  So, Sunny days are her best friends.  She is as cheerful as the sunshine, bubbling with joy for life.   The past months have been unpleasant for her with all the rain and thunder and overcasting sky.  You hear her complaints more about things in life. It seems when the Sun and clouds are not collaborating, nothing else in the world works. She has the excuse  to be unhappy, and she makes it clear and she sticks to it.

Well, it so happens, that an old friend of Yun’s  is a gardener! He loves gardening  and has  a house on the hill with  lots of land to tinker with.  However, friends joke with him and call him  “such a grumpy old man” because he has such strong political positions.  Unfortunately, our political environment has not been to  his liking for many years.   But lately, instead of politics, he sings the praises of  how wonderful the rain has been,  how refreshing the air smells and how lush his garden is now….On and on, he is beaming with cheers and joy.   He is happy for a very good reason, and he makes clear of that.

One day, after a  chat with both of them  back to back, Yun starts to laugh  and marvel at the human’s incredible capacity to be happy or to be unhappy.  The physicist Yun said to the artist  Cece, ” It is almost like in scientific research… one makes a hypothesis, and starts to design an experiment to collect data to prove the hypothesis.  In most cases, one manages to find the data to prove that your  hypothesis is correct!”  Cece giggles too.

Why is it that we allow our minds to take such control  of us that we determine our happiness by the rain or the current political climate or whether we can swim or not?  What if we enjoyed each moment as it presents itself…and what if we could be here now…and relish in the very moment we are in…whether we are driving or walking or working or doing a repetitive task?  Could we perhaps find joy in those little moment by moment things that are happening right now?    What if our mind went astray and went to being unhappy about the political climate?  Could we re-direct it into the here and now and focus on this moment only?

If we decide to be happy, we will find the reasons.  If we decide not to be happy, we can find the reasons too…. The reasons for both are only  in our mind’s eyes.  Make sure that what your mind’s eye sees is working for you… not against you  “Don’t worry, be happy” and make it so!

“Bye for Now” from The Two Whos

Gavin is turning 9.  Yun is having a similar  dilemma regarding  what to buy her younger son as she did when her older son  turned 10 (A gift that arouse deep appreciation of a 10 year old?).   Yun is lost again.  Since Gavin’s father will be  hosting  a swimming party for Gavin’s classmates a week later, she knows he will get lots of gifts then!  Yun  has decided that ” over gifting” …with all these  toys  for kids is  over rated when  celebrating one’s birthday.   What could she do  then to make the birthday special for him?

Friends are what come to Yun’s mind.  So,  Yun called upon a  couple of old friends, whose boys were in preschool together with Gavin.  She invited the boys over as a surprise for Gavin.  One of the families moved out of town for three or so years and just moved back to town… So, the boys have not seen seen each other for about 3 years.  That’s a very long time for a 9 year old!

“It is not a traditional birthday party, so no presents please.  Just your presence would be greatly appreciated.”  Having said that to her friends, Yun felt the need to explain to Gavin about having a birthday celebration but without birthday presents.  Gavin’s eyes opened wide upon hearing such  an outlandish idea or nonsense, “what? No presenst for a birthday party?”

“Well, no toy presents, that is.  But people’s presence would be a  nice present by itself, isn’t it?:    Yun is trying to convey the message as clear as she can….that the child’s friendship is the gift. “I guess.”  the boy says reluctantly.   It is hard for him to look at a birthday celebration differently since all he knows about birthday celebrations is nothing but about ice cream cake and presents.

Also, parents are often tempted to invite many little ‘friends’ over, so to see the birthday child’s face lit up seeing a pile of birthday presents, much like Christmas presents.  Yun wonders what else could we bring that puts  sparkles into a child’s eye besides the glittering wrapping papers and ribbons?  Well,   when Gavin greets his “old” friends at the door, he begins to understand that their friendship is the gift and his  eyes are sparking with pure joy and innocence!

Oh,but let’s not forget the cake!  This time, no store brought mini cheese cake.   Although Yun does not bake,  that does not stop her from making a birthday cake for Gavin on the morning of his birthday.  You should have seen Gavin’s eyes light up seeing the candle lit cake ! His mouth was wide open and salivating! He blew out the candles and he ate  the whole cake just as Yun has expected!  Well, Gavin is a good eater, unlike his brother,  but a whole cake for breakfast?

Off course!  Why not?  Especially if you make the cake with brown rice, decorated with  “Gavin’s favorite chili oil” or the “I do not know chili oil” and soy sauce!  That’s his most favorite food in the “whole wild world”. Gavin says it is the world’s  weirdest cake, and he loves it.  Happy birthday, Gavin!

Cece wonders what’s the next crazy idea Yun will have for the boys birthday next year?  Noodle cake or a day of working at a  food bank?  Who knows…Yun is trying to teach her children that gifts that glitter are not to be depended on to create happiness.  More and more stuff does not make one more and more happy!

“Bye for Now” from The Two Whos

How often do you find yourself explaining  to people who you are or what decisions you have made ?   This is how it goes:

You are walking down the aisle  at the grocery store in a pair of unflattering house pants and you are picking up a heavy cream for the pie you are making.  All of a sudden you see an acquaintance  from work whose name you cannot remember.    Her eyes widen as she glances at  your pants.  You quickly explain: “I am taking today off to cook a dinner for a party tonight. I have not had  a chance to shower yet.”  What you are really explaining is,  “I dress nice and neat.  What you see this moment is not the real me.”

You take your kids for a long trip and stop by the gas station to refuel. The  kids want to taste a“monster drink”.  You say,  “Go ahead get one.”   At the register, as your child hands the drink to the cashier, you hear a voice behind you that  says to your child,  “You know, this drink is really not good for you.”   You turn around to explain,  “They normally do not get it.  This is the first time.”  What you are really explaining is, ”I am a sensible mother. I do not do this on a regular basis.”

Your children are acting up in a party, and you call them forth in front of your friends.  It  so happens there is a child psychologist near by.   You start to talk to your children in a patient voice that you hardly recognize for yourself!   What you are really doing is explaining and demonstrating to the child psychologist that,  “I am a good parent.”

At a party, you strike a conversation with a stranger.  He/she talks and brags about his/her charity work and how disturbing it is to see people suffering.  You explain and share,  “I volunteer at xxx, and what I see is heartbreaking too.   I always donate money to help out.”  What you are really explaining is,  “I am a very sensitive, kind and generous person and I want to you to know that.”

So much explaining  can get very tiring and it comes in an elaborated format when it comes to “proving ” and “explaining ” ourselves  at work or  in a relationship.  We put our best foot forward hoping people will ‘perceive’ our  best side…. the better  side we want people to see.  Poet David Whyte calls this constant explaining of  self to others an “utter despair!”  We are constantly on alert  to “protect” our image by explaining  ourselves.

So, what does it matter if a total stranger does not know about  “how nice I am, how kind I am,  how smart I am?”   Even more so, what if our friends and family do not understand us?   Does constantly explaining ourselves tell people how worthy we are?    Maybe the better approach is to know and trust who we  are.  Would that eliminate the  need to explain ourselves  to others?

“Bye for Now” from The Two Whos